Sometimes I really suck at life. Like, legitimately, just fail at almost everything life related. And this morning, I was bemoaning this fact to Juliette, and discussing the fact that one of the ways I suck at life is that I had like no idea what to post about today, and I am not even remotely organized enough to have a draft on hand that I could just throw up for the sake of posting something…..and then I came up with the genius idea to write a post about all the ways I am awful at life. Because I’m sure it’s difficult to believe, so I’m giving you proof.
- I am terrible at toasting things. No matter what I do, I will somehow always end up part of the bread/bagel/English muffin burned, and part of it still almost cold. And then even if I flip it around and try to do it again, the toaster inevitably switches, and I burn the one part even more, and the other part remains untouched. It's awful.
- I am an awful blogger. I know I say this a lot, but half the time I can't think of a single thing to write, and then half the time I forget about this little space completely. Good thing this isn't like, a dog, or (god forbid) an actual child, because if my care of my blog is any indication, I'll be a terrible parent.
- I remember way too many things. Now, normally, one might think this could be a good thing, because I tend to remember things like phone numbers, addresses, directions, etc. I can also typically recall with astonishing accuracy an argument that happened three months ago, and then I have to fight with myself to keep my mouth shut and not bring stuff up all the time, just because I remember it. I only sometimes succeed at that.
- I cannot stay on one particular task for a given period of time, no matter how hard I try. My stupid brain shoots of in like 829357234056 directions all the time, and it's hard enough to wrangle my thoughts into even some semblence of order, much less organize them into logical areas. So I bounce around in stuff a lot. Somehow though, I always seem to get everything done, and on time, too, so you know...there's that for the win.
- I am the worst at-home movie watcher on the planet. I can make it through movies in theaters (most of the time), but pretty much any time I sit down to watch a movie at home, I will be asleep before it's halfway done. The only exceptions to this rule happen if I am watching said movie entirely during daylight hours, or if it's over before the clock strikes double digits. And even those two things aren't a guarantee. Boyfriend has stopped asking what movie I want to watch at night, and now asks what movie I'd like to fall asleep to instead. I tried to be offended for like 2 seconds, and then I realized he was completely right.
- I used to be really good at being on time and early to stuff ALL THE TIME, but now? Not always so much. I blame it on getting older. But this morning, I didn't get out of bed until 15 minutes before I had to leave. NOT GOOD. But, again, I'm clearly a winner, because I still made it to work on time. And looking somewhat presentable, at that.
- Also, I am bad at keeping in touch. I hate talking on the phone, like hate-it-with-the-passion-of-a-thousand-fiery-suns style, so you'd think that I'd make up for it with like texting, and emailing, and sending letters and stuff. Nope, I don't do that very well, either. It's like I tend to exist in my own little bubble of just myself and people who are directly in front of my face. It's bad. I'm a terrible person, I know. It doesn't help that half the time when I am trying to be a good person and text someone back, I forget to press send. Cuz apparently, it's complicated. Cripes.
But one thing I can do? Fake it, really convincingly. People seem to be of the notion that most of the time, I have my shit together. HA. Fooled them.