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Monday, July 1, 2013

How To Stand Out So Your Doctor Remembers You

Have you ever had a really embarrassing medical moment that actually had nothing whatsoever to do with what was actually wrong with you? Maybe something along the lines of being surprised by a ridiculously attractive doctor, and then subsequently making such a fool of yourself at the emergency room that said ridiculously attractive doctor actually remembered you for years after?

Well I have. And take it from me, people...  It. Is. Awful.

Let me take you back to my hometown in Wisconsin, circa early 1999, when I was 14. I was quite sick, as were the rest of my siblings. We had kind of dropped like flies, which was generally the case with us. When one of us got sick, the rest were not far behind. Which sucked, by the way, because in my house, the best part of being sick was being able to get the best spot in the corner of the couch, and watch Mary Poppins and The Sound of Music…when all six of us were sick, it got a lot more logistically complicated.

Anyway, so there I was, feeling all kinds of miserable, and trying to find some semblance of comfort in the big blue rocking chair. My chest was hurting, I was coughing uncontrollably, and I had a crazy fever, too, as I recall. My cough got to the point where my mother was concerned I might have pneumonia, so she bundled me up and  commissioned my dad to take me to the ER.

As soon as I got to the ER, they set about dressing me in one of those stupid gowns and getting some chest x-rays. After that, I was sent back to the room to wait for the doctor. I had what was probably the worst headache of my life up to that point, so I just laid there with my eyes closed, taking comfort in my dad’s quiet presence.

chocolate voice, soothing
 When the doctor finally came in and started talking, the first thing that struck my teenage girl mind was that his voice was iiiinnnnncredible. Seriously, it was like melted chocolate. All deep, and smooth… *shiver*

So then, I opened my eyes to see Adonis. That's not even an exaggeration. This man was talk, dark, and handsome..the trifecta. And as if that wasn’t enough, he clearly worked out. **Side note: to this day, his nickname in my family is Dr. Biceps.**

Apparently, the symptoms I was experiencing were very similar to those of spinal meningitis, so after asking me a bunch of questions that I could barely answer through all the blushing and stuttering I was doing, he decided I needed a spinal tap.

lumbar needles
**Side note #2: For those who haven’t had the pleasure of experiencing a spinal tap, it’s this really awesome procedure where they take a 20 gauge lumbar needle (aka a really long, thick needle) and remove spinal fluid from the very base of the spine. The patient is required to curl up as much as possible (effectively putting their rear end in the doctor’s face) for the duration of the procedure, and then remain completely still for 30 minutes thereafter.**

So as if getting to hear his chocolatey voice, and view his lovely biceps that could have rivaled my thighs for size wasn’t enough, I also got to shove my haven’t-showered-for-a-couple-of-days-because-I’ve-been-sick-and-haven’t-even-left-the-living-room-for-two-days behind in his face. 


Eventually, of course, I got over that silliness. Once I could move again, and had finished the IV bags of saline and antibiotics, and felt better enough to actually believe I might make it until morning, they gave me a couple prescriptions and sent me home.

You’d think that I would have just left well enough alone, since up to that point I hadn’t actually done anything humiliating, I had just endured some embarrassing and uncomfortable procedures, right? Yeah, not so much with this girl. 

My dumb butt happened to catch a glimpse of Dr. Biceps at the nurse’s station while I was being wheeled outside, and, because I either a.) really thought he wanted to know and didn’t have the information in front of him in my chart, or b.) just decided that he HAD to know so that he’d know how long he would have to wait for me, decided it would be a good idea to yell (loudly, in the hospital, at 2:30 in the morning) that “I’ll be 15 in July!!”

Seriously. SERIOUSLY? Yes. That happened.

And yes, he really does remember that moment. Quite a few years later, my dad hurt his hand and ended up in the ER for stitches, and of course Dr. Biceps was there. He even asked my mom how her crazy daughter was doing. *sigh* 

I suppose that’s one way to make an impression….

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  1. Hahahaha, that's really funny! :) I love it!

    1. Well at least someone is enjoying the story! :) I was pretty humiliated about it for a while, especially since I lived in a small town and all the doctors at the hospital knew about it. Thankfully I never ended up having to see Dr. Biceps at the ER again, but I did get teased mercilessly from the other docs I did have to see over the years.

  2. Oh my goodness--I've been cringing at this whole story. It's hilarious....but man, I can imagine that the experience was not fun at all!

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